undercovers

There was a very attractive girl I had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with through a mutual friend. She wasn’t attractive in the way of being super good-looking or hot to the touch, but more in an over-all funny, witty, cool, talented sort of way. She was cute too; and Christian. Being a Christian myself, that seems like a green light to pursue the likes of another Christian, and in doing so, I struck up conversations, made jokes, and was generally pleasant in a way that would not offend the Christian side of her. Granted, this was not myself, acting in conjunction with Christian values 24 hours a day, but it was what I had to sacrifice to get the girl. It’s not that I usually ignore Christian morals or anything, but that I swear, make sexual innuendos, and am generally a crazy person, which would seem to juxtapose a compatible personality.

After a night of hanging out with a group of friends I walked her back to her apartment and we got to talking some more. She got up for some reason and I sat on the couch waiting for her to return. The phrase “make yourself at home” is such a forward expression that if anyone took it seriously, the person whose home it is would probably regret saying that; so I just sat there. She came back in her PJ’s and sat closer to me than before. I don’t remember what happened next, but she kissed me. Her lips were soft, but slightly cold. She’d just put something on them. She removed my sweatshirt, and we went upstairs — I wasn’t thinking; not fast enough anyways. She started talking about things I wasn’t familiar with; things she’d do to me, things I’d do to her. I don’t know if she was trying to build up a sense of excitement or anticipation, but the whole thing felt contrived, and I started to feel heavy and deflated. She was such a sweet, pleasant girl five minutes ago. I noticed how I didn’t actually know her. In the scheme of things we’d just met, and here we eagerly are. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know “jumping in bed with someone you didn’t know” was really a real thing. I’d only heard stand-up comedians and business men use it as an expression backstage.

I told her we shouldn’t do this. I was being Christian and saying that I wanted to be with her, but this wasn’t the way to do it. She said she understood, but really was just disappointed in me. I didn’t know what to think. She acted all nice and Christian everywhere else, but behind closed doors desire and temptation ravished her mind and body. The weird thing is I wanted her too. I wanted to ‘jump in bed’ with her. The only difference between her and me is that I won’t change who I am behind closed doors just so I can sleep with her; I already did that. Now I’m wondering if she’ll be the same way the next time I see her. I know I’ll still be the same person who won’t take advantage of her; but that’s not me. Is this her? Is she always like this, but changes herself to be more appropriate around others? I hate irony. We would have worked out perfectly if we’d just dropped the act, cut to the chase, and just had fun.

I suppose I wanted to be righteous and play the ‘long game.’ I’m in high school for God’s sake; there is no long game. Everyone’s going to move on and start a new life. I only have a chance to find someone in the short term before these people slip out of my life forever. Maybe I should apologize and jump back in bed with her; for old time’s sake. We know who we are underneath the cover of daily life, and we’re okay with each other, but something seems so wrong about it now. Not taboo, like every eye we’ve ever met was watching us; but more like the rollercoaster is just slowing down and waiting to let the people off.

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