Monthly Archives: October 2013

Cough Drops

cough drops complete2

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Splash

You’re standing on the high-dive platform.

Below is the pool. That is death.

Your friend just pushed you off the platform. That is life.

Are you going to smile and make a splash, or curse at your friend the whole way down until you’re under water?

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“You don’t need to know what you’re looking for. You need to discover it.”

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Memorial

You come home to a house you’ve kept clean for a week solid after spring cleaning, but today you are tired. You drop your stuff on the floor and go to the kitchen to grab some snacks. You’ve worked hard this week. You decide you deserve a treat. You can’t remember the last time you had a milkshake. You scoop out the ice cream, Oreos, chocolate syrup, and some more ice cream, and hold the “blend” button. The blender decides that now is a good time to commit suicide and grind its gears, and not your milkshake, until you hear a pop and see a little wisp of smoke trail away from your newly departed appliance. You now understand the phrase ‘giving up the ghost,’ but you still don’t have a milkshake. You find yourself on the couch minutes later with a long spoon and the top half of the blender in your hand, scraping out the last bites of your milkstir, and realizing that the top half of the blender actually isn’t a bad way to eat a snack. It even has a handle and a spout. Over the next few weeks you keep using the top half of the blender to eat while the bottom half still sits plugged in on your counter top. No, it still doesn’t work. And now you’ve gotten used to it being there that it has just become part of the kitchen counter; a fixture, a statue, a memorial even. A few months later you invite friends over and one of them gets really drunk and asks you why you couldn’t just make margaritas from scratch when the blender is sitting right there. You tell him, “oh, it doesn’t work.” Like it’s supposed to not work. And he just stares at you for a little while because he’s obviously drunk, and nothing is wrong with you, or the blender.

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What is wrong with people?

What do you mean?

Like, relationships. You don’t see bears in the woods cheating on each other.

True, but bears aren’t people.

Sometimes it seems hard to tell.

Yeah, but the difference between us and bears is that bears don’t know that they’re going to die. That’s why they don’t just start yolo-ing all over the place.

They can’t be completely clueless.

It’s not called the animal condition, it’s called the human condition.

I beg to differ. Animals in general avoid things that would kill them. I’m almost positive that they know they can die.

Yeah, that they can die; not that they will die. It’s nothing more than a reflex.

So if you knew you were going to die, would you go on a crazed sex rampage, or would you keep to yourself and one other person?

What are you talking about? I’m not going to die.

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