Tag Archives: advice

Reality Check

Bessy’s the best pet cow ever!
No, she’s not a pet…

Look! Goldie’s sleeping upside-down.
No, Goldie’s not sleeping.

She said I looked good.
No, she was just being nice.

Everyone laughed at my joke.
No, they were just laughing at you in general.

If I just had enough money.
No, if you just loved yourself first.

She’s the most beautiful girl ever.
No, you’re just drunk.

I want to be famous.
No, you’re just lonely.

I think she loves me.
No, she just said Hi.

I think I love her.
I think you’re crazy.

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WARNING:

WARNING: Contains sexual humor, drug references, and language.

WARNING: Do not use in the shower.

WARNING: Hot contents may burn you.

WARNING: Aim away from face.

WARNING: Contents may explode under pressure.

WARNING: You may stop reading the word “Warning.”

WARNING: Do not ignore this warning.

WARNING: This could kill you.

WARNING: Contents not suitable for mature audiences.

WARNING: Do not use this product under any circumstances.

WARNING: Don’t get too curious.

WARNING: Keep out of reach of children, teenagers, couples.

WARNING: This end up.

WARNING: Contents may shatter when broken.

WARNING: Alarm will sound.

WARNING: Wearing a helmet does not guarantee your safety.

WARNING: Wearing a seat belt does not guarantee the safety of others.

WARNING: May contain nuts.

WARNING: You are what you eat.

WARNING: Do not ingest.

WARNING: May cause drowsiness.

WARNING: May cause lousiness.

WARNING: Do not take orally or rectally, or without paying first.

WARNING: Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hands.

WARNING: Objects in mirror are backwards.

WARNING: For indoor and outdoor use only.

WARNING: Do not attempt to fly indoors.

WARNING: Theft of this product is a crime.

WARNING: You are entering a drug-free zone.

WARNING: You are entering a care-free zone.

WARNING: Do not place bag over head.

WARNING: Do not engage in vigilante justice.

WARNING: Glasses may impair vision.

WARNING: May increase risk of pregnancy.

WARNING: Do not shake contents of crib.

WARNING: Do not laugh at the natives.

WARNING: Do not laugh at the naives.

WARNING: Mispellings may occer.

WARNING: Slippery when wet.

WARNING: Do not use while unconscious.

WARNING: Do not use while subconscious.

WARNING: Only compliment one woman.

WARNING: Effects may result in side effects.

WARNING: Do not run with sharp objects.

WARNING: Do not run drugs for the cartel.

WARNING: Wear safety goggles while attempting this maneuver.

WARNING: Repeating something too much may lessen its impact.

WARNING: You’ve been warned.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

What’s on your mind?

Every living creature dies alone. That sort of thing.

That’s not always true. I’ve heard sometimes big groups of people, like in cults, come together and have mass suicides, like a big suicide party–oh and don’t forget about natural disasters. Lots of people die together in those.

Thanks. I feel way better now.

Well don’t drag your shit onto me. I’m feeling pretty good right now and I don’t want to deal with your existential crisis. I’ll deal with it when I get depressed on my own accord.

You could have just said that first. You don’t have to be such a jerk about it.

I was starting to feel bad, so I had to knock you down a few pegs, which made me feel better I gotta say.

Haven’t you heard of sharing the load to make it lighter?

Haven’t you heard about turds in punch bowls? I don’t want your shit in my mouth.

But we never talk about this kind of stuff. No one does.

And for a reason. People want to feel good. Yeah, we all know we’re all going to die, but we’d rather just distract ourselves from it than spend time thinking about it and dealing with it. Why do you think people are always on their phones doing dumb shit when they could have a quiet moment to reflect? Why do you think we distract ourselves from thought in general?

Yeah. I guess we’ve kind of gotten soft. No one wants to do the hard mental work to find true satisfaction; they just want to play fucking candy crush and feel happy for beating the next level or watch some fucking cats doing cute cat things.

Well yeah, that’s just the way it is, so deal with it.

I’m trying.

Well you’re sucking at it. Try harder.

But if I just distract myself it won’t actually change anything.

…I’ll give you some advice that my great grandpa gave me before he died, as long as you promise to shut up.

Ok. Sure.

When you feel like you are going to die — don’t die; and you will survive.

He said that?

Well, I’m translating, but that’s the gist.

Bullshit.

Well it’s what he said. Now shut the fuck up and eat some ice cream.

There’s no way he said that.

He was on the forefront of wisdom, what do you want me to say?

How about what he actually said?

But that is what he said.

I object! You expect me to believe this ill-conceived hearsay?

Why not? Everything is hearsay anyways. You wouldn’t even know how old you are if someone didn’t tell you. Everything can be true or false; it just matters if you believe it. You see, there’s a certain point in life when you realize that you’re not the judge. You don’t decide what happens, so you try to be the lawyer for a while, arguing about why it happens and all the time-consuming, convoluted questions that go along with that. But then you realize that you’re a crappy lawyer and are only confusing yourself, so you take another step back. Your real job is to be the jury, and decide what you want to believe. Because believing is the only choice we have, and the only decision worth giving a damn about. So don’t tell me you’re going to die, and don’t ask me why it will happen; just tell me what you’re going to do about it.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Suitcase

 

A man decided to travel the world. Wherever he went that he hadn’t been before he had to constantly ask questions about where to go, what to eat, and what to do. He carried the suitcase with him on every trip, and as a souvenir he collected a sticker from each new place — but he didn’t stick them anywhere. He kept his suitcase clean and free of markings. One day he put all of his collected stickers on at once, and then people started asking him questions about where to go, what to eat, and what to do, so he started giving advice, even though he had never been there before.

You don’t need to have experience to know how to do something. Sometimes you just need someone to ask you a question.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

To Know

To Know

The moment.
The moment of clarity.
The severity,
a rarity
that stings
and rings
with things
you can’t describe,
but only feel
and know
—you just know
what will happen,
and that you can’t
stop it
no matter how hard you try.
For better or for worse,
you lie to yourself
and say
I see the light;
another way.
I will fight!

Yet, you know.
You just know
that you’re only distracting yourself,
and falling back
into the very same moment
of clarity
which trapped you before,
and you know,
you just know
that you’ve been here before—
you’ve seen it,
you’ve felt it,
and now it is here
and is all you can see,
and you know,
you just know
it is all that can be,
and you slip

—Oh, you slip—
and you fall
to your knees
and say, If only
that moment of clarity…
hadn’t shown itself,
hadn’t spoken to me,
hadn’t consumed
then until now
in the wink of an eye,
so that months of inaction
have rolled on by
with nothing
more than the words
“Why couldn’t I…”

But you knew.
You just knew
when your future
appeared
that it would hold you,
entrance you
with its mysterious face,
so you watched
and you listened,
running in place,
when all it would take
to avoid that path
is to speak out
and say “No,
this can’t pass!
That isn’t my fate!”

…but you couldn’t,
you wouldn’t
want to leave it to chance;
take a risk
give her a kiss,
when at that moment’s glance
you cannot be together,
but she’s still in your life,
and to you that’s still better
than ‘maybe’ or ‘might,’
and you want nothing more
than to cherish that moment,
to keep what you can,
to hold onto the light;
even if only
a flash in the pan.

When the future finds you
and you don’t agree,
it takes all that you have
to let go of that moment,
and what used to be,
and accept the tears of its clarity.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Financé

I had friend with my lunch the other day and he asked me for financial advice, like what stocks are good to invest in and what’s the best sort of loan to get for this situation and that. I gave him the best advice I could, but remembered that I’m poor, and reminded him that if I were in his position, I wouldn’t take financial advice from me. I don’t even have finances. I don’t even have a financé.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“You don’t have to agree with someone to learn from them.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Of the many things in this world, words can be some of the most powerful, especially when used against you.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Spoiler Alert

Why is it important to make friends, pursue your dreams, try new things just so you can get embarrassed? I would tell you why, but that would ruin the whole purpose. I just want you to do them, then take a step back and learn, so when the time comes where your son questions why should we stretch ourselves to do so many things, you will have acquired the wisdom to not tell him either.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: