Tag Archives: irony

Digger Nick

Sooo… this exists now

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Concentrate

concentrate

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WARNING:

WARNING: Contains sexual humor, drug references, and language.

WARNING: Do not use in the shower.

WARNING: Hot contents may burn you.

WARNING: Aim away from face.

WARNING: Contents may explode under pressure.

WARNING: You may stop reading the word “Warning.”

WARNING: Do not ignore this warning.

WARNING: This could kill you.

WARNING: Contents not suitable for mature audiences.

WARNING: Do not use this product under any circumstances.

WARNING: Don’t get too curious.

WARNING: Keep out of reach of children, teenagers, couples.

WARNING: This end up.

WARNING: Contents may shatter when broken.

WARNING: Alarm will sound.

WARNING: Wearing a helmet does not guarantee your safety.

WARNING: Wearing a seat belt does not guarantee the safety of others.

WARNING: May contain nuts.

WARNING: You are what you eat.

WARNING: Do not ingest.

WARNING: May cause drowsiness.

WARNING: May cause lousiness.

WARNING: Do not take orally or rectally, or without paying first.

WARNING: Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hands.

WARNING: Objects in mirror are backwards.

WARNING: For indoor and outdoor use only.

WARNING: Do not attempt to fly indoors.

WARNING: Theft of this product is a crime.

WARNING: You are entering a drug-free zone.

WARNING: You are entering a care-free zone.

WARNING: Do not place bag over head.

WARNING: Do not engage in vigilante justice.

WARNING: Glasses may impair vision.

WARNING: May increase risk of pregnancy.

WARNING: Do not shake contents of crib.

WARNING: Do not laugh at the natives.

WARNING: Do not laugh at the naives.

WARNING: Mispellings may occer.

WARNING: Slippery when wet.

WARNING: Do not use while unconscious.

WARNING: Do not use while subconscious.

WARNING: Only compliment one woman.

WARNING: Effects may result in side effects.

WARNING: Do not run with sharp objects.

WARNING: Do not run drugs for the cartel.

WARNING: Wear safety goggles while attempting this maneuver.

WARNING: Repeating something too much may lessen its impact.

WARNING: You’ve been warned.

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What is wrong with people?

What do you mean?

Like, relationships. You don’t see bears in the woods cheating on each other.

True, but bears aren’t people.

Sometimes it seems hard to tell.

Yeah, but the difference between us and bears is that bears don’t know that they’re going to die. That’s why they don’t just start yolo-ing all over the place.

They can’t be completely clueless.

It’s not called the animal condition, it’s called the human condition.

I beg to differ. Animals in general avoid things that would kill them. I’m almost positive that they know they can die.

Yeah, that they can die; not that they will die. It’s nothing more than a reflex.

So if you knew you were going to die, would you go on a crazed sex rampage, or would you keep to yourself and one other person?

What are you talking about? I’m not going to die.

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Not Working Title

Why do people create a title to something and then say “it’s a working title,” when later they just end up changing it to something else? By definition, doesn’t that mean their title wasn’t working?

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Unwrapper

You know when it’s super quiet at the library, or a quiet spot in a movie, there’s always that one person that thinks if they unwrap their crinkly candy wrapper   r e a l l y   s l o w l y   then you won’t be able to hear it? It’s more distracting when you’re trying not to draw attention to yourself. It’s going to make a noise either way; don’t drag it out. Just do it quickly and get it over with.

I am now promoting my twitter account, @allmostrelevant. It’s funny and keeps you notified.
…There

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The Process

I consider myself a writer, but when someone asks me if I’ve written anything, I can’t give them a straight answer. I say “kind of” or “I’m working on something right now” and then go into explaining a project or making something up on the spot. The truth is I’m writing all the time in my head, in my life, and with my life. I see the narrative every day; the irony, the suspense, the folly, the heartbreak, the joy, the triumph, and sometimes even the foreshadow. Writing isn’t about how you can put words on paper, but how you take in and interpret the world so that others, and you yourself, can see it in a new way… so I’m writing every day, but what do I get for it? I don’t get paid for it. I feel like I work so much, but so little makes it on to paper, and the stuff that does isn’t even near my best work, isn’t close to what I see every day. It’s like the thrill and challenge of writing is discovering the story as it happens, whether that be in your life or fictionalized in your head. Once I’ve discovered the story I feel as though there’s nothing left to gain or learn from simply by transcribing that discovery on to paper. Obviously that is false, and others can learn from the same discovery of the story, but I’m just saying that’s how it feels to me. Now I’m trying to figure out if that means I’m just a selfish person if I don’t trudge through the monotonous work of writing things down. Other functioning members of society work the same routine and weekday schedule most of their lives just to get by, but for some reason I can’t sit down for an afternoon an focus enough to write out a story. Do I somehow, deep down, think that writing is superior to other occupations? Is that why I’m like this? Or do I, deep down, think that the world is going to end and I’m going to die and the sun will turn into a black hole and all of human history will be lost, so ‘why should I even bother writing a little story?’ I may never figure out why I do the things I do, or why I write all the time, yet still have written nothing; but at least I still have the ability to write, and hopefully one day, trudging through all these roaming thoughts I can find a reason for all this writing—a narrative… a discovery…

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